A Cataclysmic Clash at the Convent

The arrival of the Large Wooden Rabbit of Genocidal Intent at the Convent of Our Most Aqueous Lady was greeted with much celebration by the nuns, monks, and local villagers of the parish. As Bretonnian lords, bishops and border princes met to discuss strategy, a village fête was held, complete with all the traditional games: whack-an-orc, pin-the-spear-on-the-goblin, and even a festive witch-burning or two.

The celebrations were short-lived, however. Indeed, no sooner had the villagers finished a game of musical leeches when a mounted yeoman rode up at great speed. He dismounted, and kneeled before the local lord, Perficial the Inbetween.

“My liege, two hostile armies approach… through the woods to to the west, a horde of greenskins… from the hills to the east, a phalanx of dwarves!”

“What! Greenskins and Dwarves working together! This is indeed a portent of evil!” Sir Perficial reached for his helm, as he signaled to his paladins to mount their steeds. “Assemble the knights and peasantry, for tomorrow we do battle in the name of our beloved Lady, and this great big wooden rabbit thing that doth signify her most blessed blessing!”

This three-way battle would pit 2,000 points of Bretonnians (deployed in the centre of the table) against 1,500 points each of Orcs and Dwarves, starting from the west and east table edges respectively. The victory conditions were rather complicated:

• Whichever party possessed the rabbit at the end of the battle would secure, at minimum, a marginal victory—and more if they also won on points.
  
• If the rabbit was destroyed, the Bretonnians would suffer, at minimum, a marginal defeat. The winner between the Dwarves and Orcs would then be determined by points.
  
• If no one controlled the rabbit at the end of the battle, the victor would be determined on points.

In addition, the Bretonnians received +1 on all combat resolutions while their forces controlled the rabbit.

DEPLOYMENT

To the west, the Orc and Goblin army deployed spiders to its flanks (together with all three heroes), with a large unit of Orc Big Boyz and a fanatic-equipped unit of Night Goblin bows in the centre. Two Spear Chukkas and a Doom Diva rounded out the force. The primary concern of the Orc general, Glarsnot Bloodcurdle II, was that the Bretonnian Green Knight would appear in the woods, destroying the war engines and taking the infantry units from the rear. He intended, therefore, to move forward as quickly if possible with his main force. The mounted troops were intended to envelope the flanks of a Bretonnian cavalry thrust, either slowing it or taking advantage of opportune flank and rear charges (especially those Spider-rider units bolstered by the presence of heroes).

The Dwarven deployment was straight-forward: four small units of Thunderers across the front, to quickly bring their enemies under withering handgun fire. Behind them marched the redoubtable Ironbreakers, led personally by Thane Glint Stonewarden and his battle standrad bearer. The latter was equipped with Strollaz Rune, which would allow the Dwarven army to advance with greater haste towards their objective. Uncharacteristically for the Dwarves, they fielded no artillery. Instead, a Gyrocopter clattered overhead, prepared to swoop down on any vulnerable foe and pepper it with steam-driven hot lead.

For their part, the Bretonnians decided to attempt to delay the slower Dwarves while dealing a fatal blow to the Orcs and Goblins. Accordingly, the Knights of the Realm, Knights Errant, Peasant bow—together with Sir Perficial and his paladins—were all deployed to the west, while the Pegasus Knights were held back to harass any threat from the east. The Green Kinight would appear wherever he seemed to be needed most, and a single Prophetess stood guard over the Rabbit from outside the Convent.

TURN 1

“Get em, boyz…. everyone stomp dem pinksins!” Glarsnot Bloodcurdle II waved his troops forward as he spurred his mechanical warboar Petunia to advance. The Silentweb, Venomsting, and Deathsilk Goblin Spider-riders all skittered forward. The Night Goblin bows also advanced with high pitched squeaks of excitement. The Orc Big Boyz, however, got into a squabble about whose choppa was bigger, however, and hung back much to their leader’s annoyance.

As the greenskins advanced, the Goblin war machine crew clambered over their contraptions, to send flying death towards the enemy. First the Doom Diva released its suicidal charge towards the Knights of the Realm—the goblin flyer crashing into the Knights and felling three of them. The Spear Chukkas then fired, killing one more. Despite Sir Perceival’s angry commands to the contrary, this proved too unnerving for the Bretonnian riders, who broke and fled in panic away from the Greenskin lines—directly towards the Dwarves.

Glint Stonewarden chuckled as he saw the initial deployment of the Bretonnian forces—clearly they had underestimated the speed and guile of a Dwarven army! He signalled his standard-bearer to unfurl the Strollaz Rune, and the Dwarves surged forward.

With the eyes of the realms upon him, Sir Perficial initial moments of battle had been one of abject humiliation. As his Knights flight from the Goblin artillery fire, he shouted at them angrily not in the measured tones of a noble, but in the more colourful language of a peasant. “By our blessed Lady’s Aunt Agnes, what in the sheep-dip  do you think you wine-addled noble pillocks think you are doing? Stop right this moment, or as the Lady is my witness I’ll sever your manhoods with a rusty pair of shearing scissors!” While this served in the mind of some to confirm the long-standing rumours about Sir Perficial’s actual parentage, it did bring the flight of the Knights of the Realm to a halt. As they reformed in embarrassment, the Peasant Bow and Knights Errant advanced towards greenskins, while the Pegasus Knights attempted to slip through a narrow gap in the Dwarven lines to file behind them. The Green Knight attempted to materialize in the woods behind the Orc lines, but failed to do so. The Prophetess cast one of her arcane magicks—but instead her head exploded somewhat, sending her reeling and causing her to forget the incantation forever.

TURN 2

The Orc Boyz finally rose above their squabbling, and advanced, as did the rest of the Greenskin Army, as Gobbo artillery fire continued to wreak havoc in the Bretonnian lines.

The Knights of the Realm, having rallied from their ignominious start, wheeled back to face the hated Greenskin foe, as the rest of the Bretonnian Army advanced in that direction. The Green Knight—scourge of all under-races—materialized in the Greenskin rear. The Pegasus Knights tried to slip through a narrow gap between the Dwarven front line…

…but didn’t quite make it. A straggler was charged by a unit of Dwarven Thunderers, forcing the unfortunate Knights to evade out of charge range. The rest of the Dwarven Army advanced… slowly, as Dwarves tend to do.

TURN 3

The Orc Boyz, somewhat to the rear of the rest of their forces due to earlier squabbling, charged into the Green Knight… and bested him despite their complete lack of magical weapons (hooray CR ranks bonuses!) The unfortunate Knight began to go a little whispy as the Orcs jeered and made rude noises. The Deathsilk Spiders charged the Peasant Bow, slaughtering them, while the remaining Spider-riders harassed the flanks of the Knights Errant.

At this point, the Bretonnians and Dwarves entered into a parley. Thane Glint Stonewarden promised Sir Perficial that he would not fire upon, or otherwise attack, the Bretonnians until they had jointly disposed of the growing Greenskin menace. While Sir Perficial had enough country commonsense to know that the Dwarves hoped that the humans and Orcs would slaughter each other and leave the Rabbit vulnerable for the taking, he had little other option. He agreed.

TURN 4

It rather looked as if the renewed Bretonnian-Dwarven Alliance had come just in time. The Orc Boyz—in a victory that would later become feted as “Da Day Wezz Chopped Up Da Green Ghoosty” finished off the Green Knight be sheer press of numbers. The Spider Riders and Orc Heroes descended on the Knights Errant, slaughtering them too. The Greenskin artillery began to find the range of the Dwarves.

There was little left by now of the shattered human army but a unit of Knights of the Realm and the embarrassed and thus-far ineffectual Pegasus Knights.

TURN 5

The Greenskins surged forward. In a desperate effort to stop them, the Pegasus Knights flew into combat, destroying one unit of Spiders. Worried about the continued Dwarven advance towards the Rabbit, the Knights of the Realm broke the short-lived alliance, and charged the short bearded types, breaking a nearby unit of Thunderers. The Green Knight reappeared at the pond.

TURN 6

The Greenskins were maddeningly close to the Rabbit, but the Pegasus Knights and the Green Knight stopped them from dashing forward to seize it. The Dwarves defeated the Knights of the Realm, but at the cost of halting their advance too.

An the Prophetess of the Convent of Our Most Aquaeous Lady? Still reeling from her arcane self-inflicted injury, she (under the rules of the scenario) secured the Rabbit—and a last-minute Bretonnian victory.